TransPARENTcy

So I have a guilty pleasure and that is Teen Mom OG. One of the moms Amber, was scared to come out bi. The biggest issue I had was that she said her kids were the reason for being in the closet. Let me preface this I’m not bashing or shaming anyone just sharing my experience as a mom for 15 years.

There were times in my parenting career where I hid a lot of the ugly issues that came up from my kids. And then there were times when I could be transparent and sure that they would get it. I told my spouse, I want to be the kind of parent that when my kids become parents, there won’t be any glamour associated with my parenting legacy. I’m not perfect. Never had my shit together. I was winging it 80% of the time. And I kept comparing myself to Ms. Suzy Homemaker instead of trying to figure out what works best for us.

I have been shielded from a lot of adult crap when I was young. They still call themselves protecting me from whatever they feel I can’t handle. My dad was physically abusive. Bad communications about bad moods and I was a kid unaware. Because of that, I tell my kids when I am having bad day. And they respect that. It is vice versa too.

Vulnerability is welcome in my family and household. We can better understand each other and develop coping and communication skills. I hope the hard work pans out for us.

Caregiver Burnout

So I went to the doctor this week, and they gave me some shots. The shots were numbing with steroids in them. The numbness should only last for six hours, she said. Fast forward to bedtime and fatigue from trying to avoid thinking about scratching my hand. I dive into bed excited for oblivion and a sense of normalcy the next day.

I wake up for therapy and realize my thumb is still numb. STILL NUMB. I silently freaked out again with my morning constitution. Then just as quickly decided I would give up and not do this shit for the day. I’m tired of charting my health daily, sometimes hourly. I was tired of holding back my emotions while maintaining a clinical mindset. Clear mind = no emotions in a setting where data gathering takes place.

So I hid in bed deciding that this will be my day off. I binge watched Love on The Spectrum and fought off feelings of helplessness when I accidentally touched the part of my hand still numb. When you’re a lupie (my word for someone with lupus), every single event is cause for inspection. Because your body tends to devolve and go to shit sometimes hourly, mostly daily. ((Update: My hand is back to normal!!))

I abhor hourly days. It’s like a rollercoaster ride except you’re the rollercoaster, there’s no getting off. Which led me to my next issue, feeling trapped in my own body. How the fuck does one escape? So once I realize the futility of that, I settle for meditating and redirecting my angst. And meditation is why I can write and organize my thoughts to make sense. Once I meditated, the thought of being in my body calmed down. My brain was still a bunch of mush until 7pm. I could handle my phone without screaming and chucking it across the room.

I wonder if caregiver fatigue applies to oneself. I couldn’t find the term for it. I would like to know it. So, yeah, that’s another blog for lupines.