So I went to the doctor this week, and they gave me some shots. The shots were numbing with steroids in them. The numbness should only last for six hours, she said. Fast forward to bedtime and fatigue from trying to avoid thinking about scratching my hand. I dive into bed excited for oblivion and a sense of normalcy the next day.
I wake up for therapy and realize my thumb is still numb. STILL NUMB. I silently freaked out again with my morning constitution. Then just as quickly decided I would give up and not do this shit for the day. I’m tired of charting my health daily, sometimes hourly. I was tired of holding back my emotions while maintaining a clinical mindset. Clear mind = no emotions in a setting where data gathering takes place.
So I hid in bed deciding that this will be my day off. I binge watched Love on The Spectrum and fought off feelings of helplessness when I accidentally touched the part of my hand still numb. When you’re a lupie (my word for someone with lupus), every single event is cause for inspection. Because your body tends to devolve and go to shit sometimes hourly, mostly daily. ((Update: My hand is back to normal!!))
I abhor hourly days. It’s like a rollercoaster ride except you’re the rollercoaster, there’s no getting off. Which led me to my next issue, feeling trapped in my own body. How the fuck does one escape? So once I realize the futility of that, I settle for meditating and redirecting my angst. And meditation is why I can write and organize my thoughts to make sense. Once I meditated, the thought of being in my body calmed down. My brain was still a bunch of mush until 7pm. I could handle my phone without screaming and chucking it across the room.
I wonder if caregiver fatigue applies to oneself. I couldn’t find the term for it. I would like to know it. So, yeah, that’s another blog for lupines.
Let me preface this with saying, I had fun. Now let’s get to the story. We went out to eat in S.F. at this Asian restaurant. It was so good! See a video 👇🏾. So we leave the restaurant ready for more nighttime adventures…
Here comes the conflict, some ten minutes passed and the urge to go hits is both. Luckily for him I had an empty water bottle. But because California does not have public restrooms, I was SOL. Stopped at a train station thinking surely they will have restrooms! The security guard says Safeway. So I scurry to Safeway couldn’t get in an entrance until this kind lady shouted the door was open in the middle. I rush to the door and frantically search the grocery store for a restroom but my bladder said, “Nah.” So I tucked myself by an end cap and let it happen with a sigh. I cut myself off when I could, hightailed it back to the car, and told my spouse everything. I was NOT going back out for the night with my vaxx card, I was DONE. Though I shouldn’t have been drinking I had several shots of sake to lessen the blow to my pride.
I’m sure, I am not the only one.
It was overall a beautiful city. I had fun. There was so much culture and art! I loved it.
When I first started meditating, I could do it for 30 minutes. It was so cool to unlock that door. Fast forward to now and I can only stand to meditate for three to five minutes. I have no clue why. Maybe it’s fatigue from achieving so much in the beginning with getting grounded and recentering myself. I have no idea!
I will say this, it’s normal to struggle with being still within yourself. Minds are always thinking and flowing. That’s the thing with meditating for me. I think and I flow but only for five minutes at the most. I have no job. I’m a stay at home parent. I have nothing to rush off to. Except creating. I have been creating my ass off. So much my hands hurt so of course I should meditate.
I did have an interesting experience meditating during sex and ever since then I have an issue with meditating. Wow! This is why we write things down. Haha. Sorry for the tmi (if it was…).
Meanwhile yoga has been my thing!! Downward dog is almost perfect. I can last longer. At the most five breaths. I think yoga is my slowdown time instead of meditating. I still meditate-ish.
I got adjusted twice today and I can walk without clenching my teeth. I came home and my beloved was sorting laundry. Why did I feel this overwhelming sense to get work done? When I’m down, I minimize my activities to keep from making my pain worse. I am interested in EMDR for pain because, I am always in some form of pain which triggers negative thoughts and then I’m questioning myself worth.
Humans are interesting. I can trace a line from its inception to the outcome now. Before, I was borderline suicidal. I thought my self worth was tied to my ability. It’s not. And I’m glad I am not made that way. I was picking up an old habit with new ideas. Sometimes, the old stuff doesn’t need to be picked up. It can just stay there and I’m content.
Took me while to get there. Yoga and mediations are working. I’m not well and that’s okay, for now. Change is inevitable and yoga has facilitated the peace and energy needed to have the information flow through me. Same thing with money. I cannot take it with me. The things I used to hold on to so tightly, I let fall through or rest on my fingers.
I am relearning in my healing. Pain is inevitable (especially in my case). In the past, when I would run from or avoid the pain it would always catch up forcing me to sit down and acknowledge what caused the hurt/pain. I’m so tired of the whole cycle, I try to augment it each time only to have the pain teach me something new about myself and the world around me.
Humans don’t like sadness or pain. It’s counterintuitive to sit with the pain. We shouldn’t be in pain!! We shouldn’t suffer!! But we are not in control and until we kill that ego, we will continue to keep spinning the wheel like hamsters.
Yoga is amazing for lupies like me. I cannot run/walk long distances anymore without needing to sit down. No HIIT workouts. Dancing which is my fave is tough to do. When yoga works it WORKS. And when it sucks it SUCKS. When I say that I mean sometimes the poses come easy and sometimes they come hard. The biggest thing for me is committing to the pose/workout. If I can at least attempt it I’ll claim that as a win.
Before lupus, I was athletic af. I did everything the guys did on the court or track. I always thought yoga was for pretty people and not for get down dirty people like me. I like to sweat and release the adrenaline with movements. Yoga is a slow build for me. It’s a marathon not a sprint.
Ever since I’ve taken up yoga, I am more calm and patient in my daily life. Do I still scream at motorists in my car with the windows up facing forward when I pass them? Yes. I just remember to give myself grace and realize maybe I don’t need to interact with humanity that day. In other words, I HEAR myself now whenever I have a negative reaction or outcome. I don’t blame anyone it’s just a bad outcome. It doesn’t dictate the rest of my day.
Yoga reminds me of the fact that time will continue whether I am positive or negative. I need to take a beat and spend time with The Creator who knows me better than I consciously know myself.
If you’re reading this, send me some yoga techniques or breath work circle meditations. I personally stick to Yoga with Adriene. She’s easygoing. Some yoga workouts start out intense but she starts slow and her voice and dog are great for me. Look her up on YouTube.
Today is gon be a shit show. During my meditations I couldn’t go all the way in. My yoga poses were trash, could barely hold them. This has been my morning routine. If it’s hard for me to do, then today is gonna be a lil rougher. Could barely get into my meditations.
Us lupes have body issues. I don’t trust mine. That’s where I’m at right now. That and the idea that my body is hugely unreliable. We need a little more time a little more patience and grace. Mostly from ourselves.
So yeah. I spent the last 30 seconds of my workout moaning and groaning about how shitty that was. I could barely do child’s pose. Happy baby just pissed me off. Downward dog. Mountain. All of them. Failed…(today at least). At least Adrienne was kind as usual.
I realized I am more afraid to be vulnerable in church culture. Yes men have taken advantage of me and hurt me but I knew it just that one person. In church culture everybody is wearing their best faces so I cannot tell who is what. I’m no longer wearing that mantle. And the women were two faced and back stabbers. And the woman who is a victim of the attacker is the worst. So please understand at that point I’m running and hiding because I have no allies in people who praised me and wanted to be my friend anymore. That kind of trauma happening repeatedly makes you wonder if it’s something you did to make them target you. So you try to make yourself smaller so that you won’t be so innocuous. Make yourself desirable to them and less like yourself. You forget who you are and how to get back to that person. Only now you have the undesirable aspects from your last interactions. You also cannot tell what’s you genuinely and what’s been crafted to fit in.